I'm an Engineer, What's Your Excuse?
by BernardTheWolf
Summary: Most hectic month of my life. Things didn't exactly go the way I planned. I miss the Marines now. T for language and general naughtiness. Hetalia 'units', non-cliche I promise.
1. I'm an Engineer, What's Your Excuse?

**Hello m'dears! Here's a new story for y'all! **

**For the most part, chapter one is just useless information about the main character.**

**Just so you know, this is centered around the Hetalia units idea, which is not mine, neither is Hetalia. In fact, I don't own a single darn thing. At all. :( **

**Chapter 1: I'm an engineer, what's your excuse?****  
**

Hey there guys! My name's Mary Kirkpatrick, and I want to tell y'all about one of the most hectic, ridiculous, _freakish _months of my life. First, though I want to tell you guys a little about yours truly. I live with three gorgeous men, other beautiful women and an extra wheel. The men are all delicious Germans with- Oh gosh I'm sorry! *bursts into fit of giggles, losing straight face* Okay. I'm sorry about that. Here's the truth: I live in a historic plantation house in Oklahoma, and those five people I live with? Those are my dogs. Oh, and the cat. He's that extra wheel. I have three German shepherds, (my little men) a Siberian husky, and a yellow lab. And the fat cat. My shepherds are Ivory, Diablo, and Kenobi. Ivory is completely black, (irony) and I named Kenobi after you know who because the gold-ish fur on his face and neck, looks a lot like Obi-wan's hair, and of course, Diablo's facial pattern makes it look like he has horns on his forehead. Malaiya, my husky, is the exact opposite of Ivory, all white. Lastly (but not leastly) my lab Misty. And Garfield looks like Garfield, so yeah. Fortunately all my babies get along with each other, but Misty and Garfield seem happier with the other, and the others stayed together.

I only recently, like three-ish weeks ago recently, moved into this house. Having to live with my mom through college after I got discharged from the military, this was the first house I had ever owned. Technically it wasn't mine, it belonged to the government and I was just baby-sitting basically, but whatever. I had so much on my plate for four straight years, I didn't really have any other choice but to stay with my mummsy. But, beautiful success finally! On graduation day I jumped up and downing screaming my head off like a little kid. I finished with a total of (including Dual Credit classes I took in high school) an Associate's in Mechanics, and a Master's in Engineering and the Fine Arts. (I know right?) I don't think I was ever more proud of myself.

Now, since I'm such a wonderfully smart person, I work for a branch of Boeing in Tulsa and I recently made a break-through in aerodynamics, sitting pretty. But... at the end of the day, I still go to bed with my dogs. Some days this really upsets me, others I can't be happier. Though in the long run it made me sad. I've only had my job for a few months, but I still wasn't dating anyone. I had made a few friends in the office that I went out for drinks or dinner with occasionally, but no boyfriend. I lived about an hour away from Tulsa, in a small town. Well not really, I lived outside city limits (thank God) which may have contributed too.

Well that's that. Right now I was out on my large back porch with my hairballs. Dialbo, Malaiya, and Kenobi were rough-housing and trying eat fireflies while Misty and Ivory dozed on the far end of the platform dozing together. With a glass of iced tea, my favorite electric guitar, and an amp both hooked up to an extension cord, I gave the Oklahoma sunset a little musical accompaniment. For good measure I grabbed my pedal too. I was set for the next hour. For a little while I kept trying lots of combinations of licks and riffs in different keys to create a little tune, but I kept ending up with something that sounded like a Metallica and gave up experimenting. The mosquitoes were beginning to eat me alive by now, so I had to call the pooches in and gather my stuff. Running my fingers though my hair absentmindedly, I sighed in frustration that it was _still _wet from the shower I had taken earlier.

"Crap!" I tripped over a box in the dark hallway, almost dropping my equipment. I stood there awkwardly for a moment, waiting for something to fall or a telltale tinkle of broken glass. Nothing happened so I sighed in relief, setting my things with my other music equipment. Flicking off a few lights, I departed the first floor, climbing the staircase, doggies in tow. Seeking the time, I noted it was only 8:30, so I went to do a little internet browsing. I checked my DeviantArt, Instagram, and IcanHazCheezburger. Nada. Nothing else better to do, I checked the main Funimation forum page,hoping for some announcement about a season two for Claymore or Ouran High School Host Club, but no such luck. A new entry popped up, with an interesting label. Why the heck not? I clicked on it and began to read the article.

_~up today! Get your own real-life Hetalia country today! These amazing machines~_

The page went on and on bout the genius of these things and how useful and cool and rare, yadda yadda yadda... I'm a pretty big Hetalia fangirl and found this supercool. But I'm the kind of person that if it isn't the 100% real, authentic thing, I ain't completely happy. Like I don't like going to see the Marvel movies because it's not the _real_ X-Men. Ya see what I mean? Still, the opportunity to take these things apart and get a good look at their insides... Sorry, that sounded sadistic didn't it?

But you get my point. I really wanted to see their internal programming. As an engineer, this technology had so much potential to shove progress forward with an umph. And I really wanted a Hetalia automaton. Maybe just one... I scrolled to the bottom of the page, looking for the price. Ohmygawsh! The ad read _Free to first 5000 subscribers!_ The forum page had only been up for four minutes and there was already more then a thousand participants. Can't waist time, _Robin, to the Bat Mobile!_ Quickly, I subscribed to the forum and a window popped up:

_Choose desired units:_

_ _ Feliciano Vargas (Italy)_

_ _ Ludwig Beilschmidt (Germany)_

_ _ Kiku Honda (Japan)_

_ _ Arthur Kirkland (Britain/England)_

_ _ Aflred F. Jones (America)_

_ _ Wang Yao (China)_

_ _ Ivan Braginsky (Russia)_

_ _ Matthew Williams (Canada)_

_ _ Antonio Carriedo (Spain)_

_ _ Lovino Vargas (Romano)_

_ _ Gilbert Beilschimdt (Prussia)..._

The list contained all of the official Hetalia characters like Poland, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, and all the others. I just picked the original eight Allies and the Axis countries. And Prussia. I would probably regret that one, but I wanted a Prussia. The pop-up closed momentarily, then another came up saying I had been approved and statement about how I would receive a zipped folder containing user guidelines. Truthful to their word, I received the file in an email a few minutes later. I downloaded the thing and read it in bed. I hysterically giggled through the entire thing, and the dogs kept giving me disapproving looks. If these things were really as incredible as claimed, then maybe I'd have a little fun with Germany first... Just kidding. That was a joke, I promise.

My fangirl senses tingled as I put my laptop up and settled back into bed with my fuzzy babies. (Yeah I know, _One human and five dogs?)_ Diablo and Malaiya were curled up on the mattress of my king-size authentic half-Teister, while the other three shed on the rug.

I was supposed to expect my 'units' in a few days, but I live in the middle of nowhere so it would probably end up being a couple of weeks before I got my shipment. Squealed quietly, I accidently made my little devil raise his head, giving me a queer look. But really, I didn't have a lot of faith that these robots would live up to expectations. It was one of those 'to good to be true' things. If they tried to download an entire personality and unique responses into a machine with successful outcomes, the price for said technology would be astronomical, and they _certainly _wouldn't be giving these things out in such large quantities. Needless to say I was rather doubtful. The most I expected was bobble-heads or action figures with prerecorded responses or actions, and were three inches tall. In that case, they'd be cute little collectibles I could put with all my other nerdy paraphernalia.

I lost myself in my work the rest of the week, and ended up taking it home with me Friday evening to put it in my luxurious study. Late Saturday afternoon, the UPS man pulled up to my house and I was rather surprised when he turned around and backed up to my front porch. He disembarked his vehicle, opened the back and sliding out a ramp. There was nothing I could really do but watch anxiously as he wheeled in large, oblong crates into my foyer. Oh dear. I counted and recounted. Nine. It looked as if the forum may not have been lying after all... But still, no need to worry much. There was still a large margin for error. I thanked the delivery man heartily, and gave him an obscene tip which he happily accepted.

I sighed, looking at the crates. Geez. I let the dogs out after the man left, and they came out to investigate the strange objects. They began to whine or growl, pawing at the crates. I hissed at them, and they obeyed, leaving the boxes. I can always activate these things later... if I even did that. Curiosity was gnawing on me, but it could wait. The dormant automatons would still be there when I returned. I needed a shower to much. I took the dogs with me up to my room so they wouldn't bother the crates while I was bathing, and turned up some music.

My iPod shuffled itself, producing an Avenged Sevenfold song played. Satisfied, I stripped and took a very nice shower. I sang along with the music as I washed; I usually always did this when I had the leisure to. It was a Saturday so I'd say that's enough leisure for me. The water began to get cold, so I turned it off, getting out to dry and get dressed. Now all squeaky clean I pulled on a pair of Soffee's and a Deadpool t-shirt.

_Whoa! I never give in!_

_ Whoa! I never give up!_

_ Whoa! I never give in!_

_ I jus' wanna be wanna be-_

A dog whined on the other side of the door as I wash brushing out my blue hair. I need to get my roots touched up... "Hang on babies!" I called to my beloved pooches, pulling my hair up into a bun. When I opened the barrier separating us, I was bombarded by hairballs yipping and fidgeting in anxiety. I rolled my eyes at them, flipping off the small yet powerful stereo. When I reached the bedroom door the canines upped their efforts at release, nails clacking on the hardwood floor.

"Sheesh, do y'all _all_ have to pee?" I muttered an attempt at humor, but now cautious because they didn't act like this unless something was wrong. I professionally trained my dogs and they knew better than to act like this if they needed out. When the door opened I was nearly trampled by the troupe of distressed pooches. I was about to go after them, to silence their antics if they were needless, but they had already sprinted their way down the stairs, snarling and barking. I knew the guttural the triplets were making (I had specifically taught the shepherds since pups to behave the way intelligent dogs are _supposed _to behave) I knew there was a real issue. It got really vicious and not thinking, I ran to the banister unarmed to see what the problem was. Below my babies were ganged up on one, two, three... nine men, holding them back. They were shouting at each other and the dogs as their assailants closed in.

Oh dear Jesus, time out had made me soft. Freaking intruders in my house! I made a dash for the nearest firearm, which was in the hall closet next to me. Instinct kicking in, I loaded the 12-gauge in record time and grabbed an extra box of shells.

***A/N: R&R or Russia will beat you with his drainpipe!**


	2. Awkward standoff, anyone?

**Hey every body! Here's the update! Hope y'all enjoy! This is mostly just a filler chapter with a face-off. It's gonna be real short. Just so you guys know, the 'units' aren't supposed to activate by themselves. You have to find another way to get them out, like for the Germany units you can frighten an Italy unit which will result in hell for you, or you can simply set out a case of German beer, one bottle open, and eventually said unit will claw his way out. I've also been told you can leave out porn. **

**All funny spelled words are how they're pronounced by the accent.  
i.e.**

**Ah= I**

**Mah= my**

**I don't own a single freakin' thing. Except my cat, which looks like Japan-cat with a longer tail.**

**Chapter Two: Awkward Standoff, Anyone?  
**

I ran back to the balcony, gun up just to make sure I was really seeing what was actually down there. Oh man... my babies were holding the offense against the nine men that were currently invading my foyer. They were a rather dysfunctional group, fighting more amongst each other than worrying about fending off their assailants. Not helping with the ruckus, the canines contributed to the pandemonium, barking louder than ever. Now officially in business, I walked sideways down the stairs, pumping a shell into place.

"Sich legen! (Heel!)" I shouted to the dogs when I reached the halfway platform. It was amazing no one had noticed me yet. They forfeited slightly, but were still going strong on the intruders. Now almost all the way down the stairs, a deadly weapon in-hand, I still went unseen. I feel like Canada.

"Ah said _sich legen!_" I commanded again with much more volume and assertiveness. The animals had no choice but to obey, and my demand even seemed to work on the bickering males before me. Taking in everything, I noted that not all the men were participating in the squabble. One of the taller ones that probably would have caused me some trouble appeared to be unconscious, and two smaller men hovered around him. The rest seemed rather disconcerted at the current situation.

"Now," I kept my tone up, "Who are you people and what the _hell_ are y'all doin' in mah house?" it didn't really come out a a question, because I expected answer. A man with sandy blond hair, glasses, and a bomber jacket (he looked suspiciously like America) after a moment of stunned silence and a whispered "_I got this guys."_

"Hello, Ms. ..." he left the salutation open for me to fill in, raising his hands in submission. I left the handsome man hanging and kept the gun up, now pointed at his heart. He cleared his throat awkwardly and continued, "Well, uh, hello ma'am. It's really v-very simple, how, uh, w-we-"

"Mister, you do realize Ah don't have a problem pulling this trigger? Which legally Ah have every right to, according to State law." I asked him, cocking an eyebrow at the idiot in front of me.

He winced at this, "Yes ma'am," the blond squeaked. Man, he really _was _stupid. For a minute he, for no one else said anything, and I was getting more angry than I already was.

"_Now," _ I repeated, not have to work on the tone, I was now thoroughly pissed _"what are y'all doin' here."_

XxXxXxXxX

_~20 minutes ago (3rd person)_

"Is she gone?" Alfred tried to whisper, but failed miserably.

"Da, I think so," Russia's drain pipe fractured the frail wood of the crate. "Freedom, " he proclaimed proudly, kicking himself the rest of the way out.

"Shut up you hypocrite commie, and help me out!" America snapped at the larger man, attempting to find his own escape. Ivan sighed, helping the idiot blond out, and the other Allies. Having shed their wooden prisons, the five men stretched their sore muscles, popping various joints, and walked around their new location.

"So are we just going to leave them in there, or what aru~?" China motioned to the three remaining boxes that occupied the foyer.

"Eh... bust 'em out I guess. Russia, get your pipe ready. West is gonna be really pissed!" Prussia rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "...do him last by zhe way." he added quickly as the large Russian raised his weapon to obliterate Japan's box.

"Ha ha! This was such a great idea man!" America praised, walking up to the albino and punching him good naturedly in the arm.

"Kesesese~! Damn right it is!" he replied. Secretly, he wasn't to thrilled to face his brother's reaction to waking up in a strange place with a large knot attached the back of his cranium.

Japan huddled in the floor of his crate, praying that when Russia's fatal faucet came crashing through the walls of his entrapment, that it wouldn't make contact with his small body again. The Asian absentmindedly rubbed the lump on the back of his head at the thought of being struck again. A crash and a burst of light and Kiku was peppered in wood splinters. He stood calmly, brushing the debris off of his robes and went to stand far away from the other countries that had apparently escaped their boxes. _What is going on?_ Japan had not an inkling of what was going on; the last thing he remembered was sitting on his back porch, turning when he heard footsteps and caught a glimpse of Russia swinging his favorite blunt object. Then he woke from his unconsciousness enclosed in said crate hearing the Allies whispering about 'units' and robots.

He wondered if he was the only Axis country... _Oh, I suppose not. _He thought, as a hysteric Italy out of another previously destroyed crate. _Oh dear... _Japan watched as Russia picked up the Italian by his collar and set him aside, knowing the last crate was Germany. Maybe.

The purple-eyed maniac began to hack at the box. After a moment of this, he was answered by a large leather boot crashing through the part-way destroyed wall, finishing what the Russian started. Prussia flinched visibly. He did know this plan was going to have its consequences.

"_I am_ _going to KILL every last one of-" _the German got about half-way through his homicidal threat, but swooned dangerously, collapsing.

***A/N: short little filler chapter! Next one is longer! Sorry for the delays guys :/ R&R or a gun-deprived Switzerland will come after you! Just so y'all know, it is a very common (and supported) thing for shepherds (esp. German ones) and other intelligent dogs to be trained in German or like Latin or something.**


	3. I Bleed Black, Red, and Yellow!

**Yay for chapter three! I really hope you guys are enjoying this story. I would also like to note that Mary is NOT a Mary-Sue! I promise... wait, what? 0.0 Moving on! Oh, and the part from chapter one "since I am such a wonderfully smart person" was her being sarcastic, if you were wondering.**

**Sorry for the late update! I went to church camp in Kentucky :D so obviously I couldn't do any updating. And the last couple of days I haven't wanted to do anything but sleep! (Lights out was at 12 and breakfast was at 7:30!) and now I think I picked up some tropical disease :P and feel all stuffy and fatigued. So right now I'm curled up on the couch with all my blankets and pillows, watching The Big Bang Theory and typing this. **

**Food for Thought: you guys should really look into Evangelical Christianity. It can really turn your life around, I know it has for me and I've never been happier in my entire life since, and don't regret a single moment of my walk with God. Just think about it :3**

Chapter Three: I Bleed Black, Red, and Yellow!

_3rd Person_

Italy cried out as his friend's limp body rushed to meet the hardwood floor. Japan quickly stepped forward to help the other man break Germany's fall. The weight made the two smaller men stagger, but they managed to get the large man safely to the ground, which was lucky on Germany's part because if he cracked his head again, it would have escalated his injuries.

"Doitsu, Doitsu! What happened to you? Speak to me!" Italy wailed, hands fluttering nervously over the blond in question's prone body. Japan, having his priorities together, raised Germany's head gently for inspection. A sickening clot of sticky, blackish fluid congealed on the base of his cranium, running down the back of his pale neck. Japan gasped slightly at the horrific injury. A wound like that on any normal human would have killed them. Japan really didn't want Italy to see, but there was no avoiding it.

"Hold his head up, Ita-chan. I will be right back," the Asian man handed Germany to the Italian, and got up to find a kitchen or a bathroom in the large house. Trying to leave in a calm manner, he knew Italy had seen the wound when a girlish scream was uttered. By heaven's good grace Japan found both desired rooms and gathered the useful first-aid items he could find.

"England. Come here and hold Germany-san up while I clean his wound." the Asian ordered, returning to the foyer. The murmuring countries were slightly dumbfounded by the assertiveness of the usually mellow and reserved nation, and did nothing at first.

"Now!" England, started, flushing, and pushed his way through the other countries to assist Japan. _Damn, he's bloody heavy!_ The Brit thought as he lifted the torso of the other blond off the ground.

"Ita-chan, make sure you hold his head still." England's stomach churned when he saw the grotesque injury adorning Germany's skull. Italy's hands shook as he attempted to help the Asian; tears flowed down his soft cheeks, and the dread that was building in his stomach was slowly beginning to suffocate him.

_I have to say **here** right now. I **can't** think about what would happen if- **No! **I can't! _The catatonic brunette tried to control his hysteria by taking deep breaths, but the anxiety that constricted in his throat wouldn't allow him. _Germany I need you to be okay!_

The bowl of warm water Japan hadbeen using to clean the blond's injury was now brackish, and the cloths filthy. Underneath the sink if the bathroom, the Asian had found antibiotics, hydrogen peroxide, and some ibuprofen, but unfortunately could not locate any bandages. Pouring a liberal amount of peroxide onto a clean cloth, Japan began to disinfect the garish cut. When the sturdy German moaned lightly in his sleep, Japan and Italy took this as a good sign, even though the timid brunette whimpered pathetically at the apparent pain his best friend was in.

Underneath all of the dried blood the thing itself looked even worse than they had all previously thought. There was, of course, a large lump where Russia had cracked his beloved drain pipe over Germany's head, surrounding the knot by purple, swelling skin (that looked like it had a lot of potential for getting infected.) The cut had already began to scab over, which was good, and the bleeding had long stopped. In some places a sickening yellow puss had to be wiped away from the scabbing. For lack of a better option, Japan slathered Neosporin over the gash and placed a less dirty cloth as a cover for protection.

The Asian man had just finished his nursing, when he finally registered that the Allies had been holding World War III amongst themselves, and even England had been sitting there yelling along with the others the whole time. At this Japan's anger flared up and he was about to add his opinion, but then decided against it. Once again, he took the unconscious German from England and handed him to his whimpering Italian counterpart, who gently cradled his friend's head in his lap.

From listening to the ongoing conversation (if you could call it that) Japan gained that this whole escape had been Prussia's idea, and he convinced the Allies to 'just go with it' and that's when the US of A determined that it would be a 'good idea' to knock out the Axis and bring them 'along for the ride'. And now it seemed they were all really rethinking their rash decision, except of course for America and a certain albino, who could see no flaw in the current situation. It may have possibly been the first time in history the two ever agreed on anything.

Japan averted his attention, as listening only made him more mad, he observed the crying Italy to his left. He was softly stroking Germany's face and hair as the brunette's silent tears fell to the blond's pale skin. The Asian took the last non filth-saturated cloth and wiped the Italian and German's faces. Italy tried to pull an appreciative smile to his lips, but just couldn't find one.

"Is he going t-to..." the smaller couldn't bring himself to say the dreaded word, and left it open for his other friend to fill in. It was just to painful for him.

"No, Ita, he won't die. But as of right now, he's not okay." Japan answered after a moment of thought on the matter. He found it sadistically ironic that after all the things Germany had been through, if Russia had hit him any harder with his drain pipe the great nation could be in a coma or worse. Albeit a Russian drain pipe, but a drain pipe nonetheless.

Japan began to wonder if it was a good idea to be yelling at the top of the lungs in a strange house you know nothing abou- _WOOF! WOOF! _The snarling and snapping of five large dogs sent the Allied countries into an even greater frenzy, and Japan jumped to his feet in defense, instinctively reaching for his katana; only, of course, to find the normally occupied spot empty. That's when the crazy lady with the shotgun arrived.

**South Coast represent! I'm a native Texan if y'all are wondering! ;) Reviews make me happy like chocolate. Go check out mah other stories guys. Thanks so much to all you wonderfully wonderful people who have favorited/followed (or both) this story! **


	4. Brain Damaged

**Here's ya'll's update! Sorry for the far between updates guys. I have to _want _to type or I'll put a bullet through my brain trying to get the chapter done.**

**Thank you all you wonderful people who have been R&R-ing! Please do more of this!**

**With out further ado:**

**Chapter 4: Brain Damaged**

_Mary_

"Mister, you do realize Ah don't have a problem pulling this trigger? Which legally Ah have every right to, according to State law." I asked him, cocking an eyebrow at the idiot in front of me.

He winced at this, "Yes ma'am," the blond squeaked. Man, he really _was _stupid. For a minute he, for no one else said anything, and I was getting more angry than I already was.

"_Now," _ I repeated, not have to work on the tone, I was now thoroughly pissed _"what are y'all doin' here."_

I could see the blond visibly gulp.

"Whoa, lady cool it! We're your freaking Units!" A white haired man, that looked even more suspiciously like Prussia, interjected. I chewed on this for a moment. _That means I have defective machines... And if then..._

Oh, Jesus. These automatons are so ridiculously advanced in the first place... if they activated themselves... Well Hell, Robopocalypse, here we come. It'll be like _'I, Robot' _all over again except ten times worse and more pathetic because it'll be all the fangirls' fault. I really couldn't get over the shock of these things (appearing to be) 100 per cent active in my foyer; it was extremely disconcerting. Oh man, what if these thing were bullet proof like the ones from _'I, Robot' _too. I'm freaking screwed then.

As I considered these things there was a thick silence in the air and the point of my 12 gauge had drooped a little. For some reason unbeknownst to me, this seemed to prompt one of the automatons to step forward. A very tall ash blond with a long coat and a light pink scarf seemed to challenge the firearm I was holding. If these things were the Axis, Allies, and a +1 Prussia, then obviously this was Russia and he was getting ideas. I shot him a glare and adjusted the barrel; he acted like nothing even happened in the first place. Remind me why I ordered a Russia again? Oh yeah, that's right. Because I'm the stupidest smart chick _ever._

"Well crap, this is just absolutely wonderful." I accidentally thought out loud after a few more moments of calculations. I really didn't have any intentions of activating them in the first place. They were going to be my nerdy little project for a few months or however long it took to dissect them all like laboratory frogs and document my findings and maybe glean/steal a couple of new ideas from them for work so I look good in front of my boss. And the website wasn't lying, this was ridiculous. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience and got shoved into a bad Sci-Fi movie. _Well I can always just shut 'em off. Maybe, just _**_maybe _**_this could turn out okay. _After another moment of deliberation I'm sure the men, excuse me, _robots,_ around me had long become impatient, (If robots can feel such a thing, that is) I sighed in defeat and lowered Bessy. I could almost hear a collective mental huff of relief come from the others.

"Fine. Ah don't feel like doin' this tonight," it was getting dark outside now and my fight and patience went out the window, "Ah have five extra bedrooms and a couch. Y'all are gonna hafta... pair off." I said with a little distaste. Don't get me wrong, I ship as much as the next fangirl, but the thought of highly debacherous things going on in my house didn't sit well with my morality. "And Ah need y'a-" closer to my door, two men, who could be no other than the Germany and Italy Units (*Insert fangirl squeal here*) rested together on the floor, with what looked like an unconscious Germany half-way in the Italy Unit's lap. (*Insert nosebleed here*) GerIta = my OTP. _Enough with the fangirling! There's something seriously wrong!_

"What's wrong with him?" I asked gesturing to the pair. I stepped off the stairs and walked over to them. The Units parted like the Red Sea to let me though.

"Ahem, well you see, er..." the England Unit began to babble. Great, more of this crap. When they all start stuttering and can't finish their sentences it means they did something bad. Except apparently for Russia, who would own up to it right away, happy as a lark.

I was alarmed to see the dilapidated state Italy was in, as I crouched to his level and slung the strap of the gun over my shoulder. I made eye contact with the distraught Italy unit; he had such human emotions in his robotic eyes it was heart-wrenching. (*Insert irrelevant tangent about programming*) I glanced down at the Germany Unit and held out a hand to his robotic cranium. The Italy Unit gave me a skeptical, unsettled look and subtly pulled the blond in his lap closer. Who can blame him? I was just pointing a shotgun at his 'friends' and making deadly threats.

After long moment of deliberation the small brunette possessively handed to me his charge to let me examine the large automaton. There seemed to be what felt like a _lump_ at the base of his skull. What on earth? The awful wound had already began to heal and the robot was in what seemed like a state of stasis. How fascinating! Wait, _heal? _Robots don't _heal. _Unless these things have some sort of mecha-organic tissue that- No, Mary. This isn't the Marvel Universe. Stuff like that doesn't exist. ...Yet. And if it does, the government has no plans to share it with the public. _That's why I work at Boeing. _The "wound" should have been my first clue.

Whatever the whole issue behind the head-wound was it would have to wait. Look at the size of that growth! What could have/has happened to his internal circuitry? What if his memory was impaired or he was completely useless altogether? Hey, that could give me a chance to see how to 'reprogram' these things... but what if he stayed in his current state of stasis and didn't wake up? Crap. And why did it have to be the Germany Unit, too? Why not the France Unit? Or the Russia Unit? The actual helpful one that keeps some sort of order amongst the bickering countries. _Just my luck._

"Who did this?" I demanded of the robots standing around me. I had no idea if they would actually answer me or not, and if they opted against complying my best bet would be America, Prussia, or Russia would do some stupid crap like this. Almost immediately five sets of index fingers all pointed to a large Russian man who was dangerously close to my person. Wait, back that up. Being in the same _room _as Russia is to close. But did these coherent, sensible thoughts stop me from doing another stupid thing? No, obviously they did not. Maybe I really was supposed to be blond like my mom told me all the time.

"Do yew see what yew've done? Do you know how badly yew could have impaired him? Did you even _think-" _I went on like this for a few minutes_ . _I really have a talent for monologue-ing and going off on extraneous rants, don't I? Don't answer that.

"It is crucial that these Units be kept in immaculate condition! Yew have no idea how this can handicap-" blah, blah, blah. I'll spare you. After a few minutes I finished my vituperation,* the countries stood stock-still, not knowing how to react and glancing awkwardly at one another.

"Ha ha ha! You're a silly little one! This will be more fun than I thought!" Russia broke the silence, and happily swinging his drainpipe waltzed off in the direction of my kitchen. That should have been my second clue. I was dazed for a moment; that was pure Nerd Rage fueling my actions. It was like... seeing through a light haze of anger with random calculus problems and maybe a couple random vectors here and there floating around the edges and the Justice League symbol up in the corner. Jesus, I need mental help. What would I tell the psychologist? That I have a chronic case of geeky-ness, and Doctor, it may be fatal? As if.

I considered for a split second to yell at Russia to come back and carry Germany up the stairs to a room or something, but then decided I was lucky to have my life. Never mind. I glanced at the blond Unit still in my lap. Well he couldn't just stay here, or on the couch. There was also the possibility that he would need to be under constant supervision as well. I smoothly handed said blond back to his counterpart, (*Squee!*) and stood up slowly. A sharp pang locked up my right knee. Even when I try it doesn't go away.

"Well boys, looks lahke yew two get to carry him upstairs," I chirped with false optimism, clapping my hands together and looking at Prussia and America.

"_Whaaat?" _ they both whined in unison.

"Yew heard me, pick 'im up." I stared them down until the groaned and very much reluctantly obeyed.

"Dibs on zhe head!" Prussia declared, claiming his 'end'. Oh, the yaoi! I can't take it! Don't get me wrong, I hate Germacest, but _agh!_

"Aw, dude, that is so totally not cool," America berated, not moving from where he had stopped after the declaration was made.

"Sucks to be you," the Prussian retorted, shrugging at the other's misfortune.

"Why don't _you _get his legs? _You're _his brother!" the blond said, still whining.

"Zhe exact reason why I get the head. Zhat's just sick," without further ado, he lifted Germany from underneath his arms, forcing America to knuckle under and take the legs. Stop me before I go on another mental rant on socio-psychological relations with other automatons.

After much swearing, frustration, near dropping of the Germany Unit, awkward positions, and more swearing and frustration, we (by we I mean America, Prussia, and the occasional help from France) managed to get the large robot into the room adjacent to mine across the hall, and into the large half-teester bed. As soon as that was over with, the country Units immediately began to argue over who was staying where and with whom. _Don't care, not my problem. _I retreated from the room and closed the door halfway, so the bickering would be slightly muffled.

_Hey wait, where are my dogs? _I checked my room and found them all faithfully crammed onto my bed, looking anxious. Aw, my sweet fuzz-buckets. Oh, yeah, there it is. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. Reason number one in no particular order.

"Off," I sighed tiredly, pointing to the floor. Everybody but Misty, my big dopey lab, seemed to get the hint and hopped off. I glared at her, and she just smiled and wagged her otter-rudder tail. _Okay. You can stay. _I relented and climbed into bed. _Dog fur everywhere..._

As I tried to drift off into the sweet oblivion of sleep, (maybe I'd get lucky and this would all be a freaky dream. Here's hoping.) I could still hear arguing going on, but downstairs now. No doubt Italy used a little bit of his Roman 'blood' and kicked them all out so they wouldn't disturb Germany.

**A/N: strangely spelled words=accent. Sorry 'bout the ending I suppose.**

**Me be happy with this chapter, I am very proud of it. I dunno why, I just am. If you digress, let me know please. If you people don't review, I can't know how good, or lack thereof I am doing, I won't be able to fix anything. Also reviews give me wonderful motivation to update faster. (People in the background: "Yeah right.") **

**_*_**_Vituperation:_**I feel very accomplished with this word, :3 it means 'Verbal assault'**


End file.
